“You don’t know what is like to listen to your fears” sang the Beatles in their classic hit “Hey Bulldog”, lyrics stuck into my head these past few weeks.
My biggest fear has always been loneliness. And now I’m facing it in all its greatness. And it is everything that I’ve come to expect… and so much more. Fear justified; loneliness literally sucks. I have friends, dear friends but no best friends and currently I have no boyfriend either, which means I feel like I have no one to talk to. For years, I was dreading this moment and now it’s here.
I know that the sun is supposed to shine again and all that, but for now, this thought alone does not necessarily make me feel any better. However, turning into a pathetic, weak creature is not a choice for me, because that is exactly what I stand up against. Now it’s the time to put all my theories into practice. I am not ok and I have to do something about it.
That’s why I decided to open up and go to that trip to Athens. That’s why I dare a little more when it comes to arranging something with new or old acquaintances. And I think that this is a start. First and foremost the fact that I acknowledge the tough position I am in. I AM LONELY. It’s hard to admit, but liberating at the same time. Secondly, opening up myself is my first move towards a complete change, a fresh, brand new start! I will come out of it stronger and wiser and I’m not pep talking myself. Being lonely was my ultimate fear and now I am facing this fear. So when I will get over it, this fear of mine will be broken and I will be scared no more. And there is also this paradox: I’d never thought I would say this, but although I feel lonely, I feel better than before! I feel like my soul has been magically cleansed from superficial feelings and relationships. In this way it signaled a positive change in me. Everybody keeps telling me that I seem different in a good way and I can’t help but think that this is because I got rid of all the negativity and it shows! I remembered how it is to go out, to have fun, to stay up all night till dawn when cute bakers offer you sweets! I remembered how it is to be spontaneous, to organize trips, to try new things, to have new crashes, to flirt…!
Swingingly enough I’ve just joined the Stg. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and it is fabulous in a dark way! So, let’s drink to that! The time to feel better is now; now that I am getting rid of any burden that was stuck on my back for so long. I guess I have to be light, if I’m going to fly!!! Cheers!!!
And I figured that it’s better to have a few friends that are good to you and love you, than to have ‘best friends’ that are absolutely toxic! Better safe than sorry!
George Salamas in his article ‘Toxic Friendships’ for Beaute magazine wrote: [sic] “Toxic friends have the talent to hurt you, when you can’t even realize it. It is a complicated, slow and poisonous process. They are the friends who will always be there for you on your biggest disappointments; when you break up, get fired or experience a bigger loss, they are there to offer consolation. But when you are happy and have numerous successes they mysteriously disappear and will never congratulate you or ask you about it. Real friends prove themselves when they share with you your joys not only your sorrows, when they are happy because you are happy. Toxic friends support you when you’re down probably because deep down they feel better about themselves, while they tend to systematically betray you, criticize you and undermine you everytime you are feeling good, happy and successful”.
We have all, even just once, invested too much love on the wrong ‘toxic’ people, but trust me when I say this, no good deed gets lost; love and kindness always come back to you, but not necessarily from the people who received yours.
“I know of only one duty in life and that is to love.” Albert Camus.
And after all these thoughts and experiences (pleasant and unpleasant), I’ve reached some conclusions about friendships:
1) Men are definitely better friends than women. They are not disgustingly jealous, they are more loyal friends and they have a better sense of humor, for sure. (I also love sexy bromances!!!)
2) Best girl-friends end up devouring each other. Big girl gangs too, because there are too many female egos together. But 2 girls that are “besties” and do everything together, they will turn into “beasties” and end up disliking or even hating each other. And that’s a law.
Do I seem extremely pessimistic so far? I bet you think that I dislike all girls and from now on I will choose only guy friends. No and no! Just wait. The previous 2 were realizations about friendships. The conclusions come next and seem pretty optimistic and eye-openers to me!
First, I decided I hate labels as much as I hate stereotypes and I am determined to abolish them from my life once and for all. Stereotypes like ‘men and women cannot be friends’ are stupid. But labels like best friends, good friends, bad friends, frenemies, the one, the only one, the worst boyfriend, the best hook up and all that stuff are meaningless, misleading and above all, mean. Why should a friend be better than another? Why should a person simply be better that another? What is this thing that makes a friend the best? The fact that you were both lonely at the same time? Why is a boyfriend right and more suitable than another boyfriend? And what makes somebody ‘the one’? Have you met all the people on this planet? Why do we always have to compare people like they are merchandise?
No person, friend, lover or enemy is better or worse than another. We should judge people in our lives individually, each one for what they are and for how we feel about them. So, I don’t have a best friend and that’s great, because I’ve trusted people, who didn’t deserve my trust; they were making me terribly unhappy, fueling me with tons of jealousy and negative energy. I am not making that mistake ever again. We should hand our trust with caution.
But having no best friend doesn’t mean that I am alone. I feel lonely, but I am not alone. I have friends that I truly love and no one of them is better or the best. Each of them is special to me for different reasons. We don’t have to meet or talk every day. We don’t have to share all the exact same interests. And that’s cool because I can do different things with different people and communicate in different ways.
“Besties” equal: over-dependency, over-sharing, obligations, whining and loss of privacy, something like having a relationship with a very jealous boyfriend; for me it’s the feeling of asphyxiation! Real friends equal: love and respect even if they are not always around. I have girlfriends that I love like sisters, but there is some space between us, we’re not one thing. I think it’s stupid to be one thing with a friend to the point where people even confuse the two of you. As a person I need my space in order to breathe and be who I want to be! I don’t want to have somebody always attached to my side; a dead carcass to carry around. I am not insecure; I can and want to be on my own sometimes.
The other conclusion is that relationships change, whether we like it or not. And that’s why we shouldn’t bother labeling them also. The change in every relationship is inevitable; it’s part of the process and we have to accept it. What doesn’t change though is what a person means to us and how we feel about him; if the feelings are real. For example, if you had a great love and then you break up, this love cannot be totally lost. I believe it’s possible to still love that person and even keep him in your life, but not as a lover of course.
And two relatively close friends may grow apart for several reasons, without changing how much they care about each other. If they used to go out every week, now they could go out once every 3 months, but not lose touch with each other’s lives. Sometimes distance makes relationships grow stronger, while definitely the lack of personal space could destroy every relationship.
For me being independent and free, without having to apologize about it is the only thing that matters! And the most important thing of all is love! So, get rid of all the people that are incapable of love. Even if that means fewer people in your life; the love will not be lessened, it will be bigger, stronger and truer than ever! I can guarantee that! As I read in a beautiful quote yesterday “There are no good or bad people. There are simply those who have been loved and those who haven’t”.
And also love goes with forgiveness. I know it’s hard to forgive and forget, but as some wise man once said, “sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing the other person is a complete idiot”. I’m joking of course. Forgive those who have hurt you because you are not an idiot. And I personally forgive those who betrayed me because I AM NOT PERFECT either. I’ve never been and I will never be, but I feel absolutely spectacular in my own imperfections!!!