1# On the airport make sure to grab every map they offer for free. You can use it later to impress fashionable middle-aged good-looking Italians.

2# Choose to land at Charles de Gaulle airport. You will spend tons of money and get lost for sure, but go big or don’t go at all, right?

3# Visit the Louvre for free just because you look hardly past 18. Ask the security guard about the location of Venus of Milos and on the way, spot another Venus statue and confuse the two, until you realize that this one has got hands.

4# Appreciate Michelangelo Pistoletto’s art, as if he had always been your favorite artist. Become one of his living installations.

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5# Spend two nights in an expensive hotel called “Canal Saint Martin” situated just beside the canal, but never actually see the canal.

6# Travel with a young gay couple and make sure you spend most of the nights in the same room, sometimes even sharing the same bed. For good measure, pick the side of the bed that is facing the wall. Or better still, simply forget about sleep.

7# Save money by staying at the gay couple’s dorm. Maybe one of the two would be Spanish and enjoy cooking you Spanish delicacies.

8# Visit expensive Brand stores with no money or appropriate dress code, but with a lot of attitude.

9# Pass Champs-Elysees like it’s not that big of a deal and find yourself drinking iced lemonade on Place de la Concorde without even realizing you’re there.

10# Visit the Eiffel Tower. Ignore the actual Tower and just fool around and take photos in a sophisticated way, lying on the grass beneath it, pretending to have a French picnic.

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11# Stay at a hotel just 2 metro stations away from Belleville, but prefer to have drinks in decadent bars near Place d’Italie.

12# Go out for dinner and pick a fight with all of your friends. Then eat on angry mute mode at an expensive restaurant that you can’t afford. After that spend the night at a house you’re not invited and sleep uncomfortably on thin sofa pillows. The next morning remember to leave without your contact lenses.

13# Use your charm when talking to French strangers. One of them might be carrying your suitcase later to the nearest metro station and then to the right metro station.

14# Visit Notre Dame late at night with a stinky pitogyros at hand and necessarily a hat. Later, dance syrtaki across the banks of the river Seine.

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15# Pretend that you are fluent in French. Even when they are speaking to you in English, act like you just heard it in French.

16# Stay illegally in Disneyland for 4 days, ride the buses and shop at the local stores, but never bother visiting the actual theme park.

17# Have only a third of a banquette for breakfast and feel fabulously French instead of broke when you do it. Then, ride the bus and the subway without buying any tickets. In fact, avoid tickets at all times if you can simply jump the fence or enter simultaneously with another passenger’s pass.

18# Visit Centre Pompidou a few hours after midnight when it is closed. Sit outside and discuss with strangers about attempted suicides from its top floor.

19# Avoid visiting Montmartre and Moulin Rouge because hanging in Disneyland dorms making a remake of Shakira’s “La Tortura” video is much more fun! (#not)


20# Take the last subway. By all means, do not consider getting off at the last stop. Go all the way to the station. When you arrive there and the subway closes and you’re stuck, ring the alarm twice or thrice if you want. When they come to set you free act like you understand French but avoid eye contact or any explanations with the officer. Be rude. Do not follow instructions and step out of the metro and into the restricted engine area. Most importantly, when you do get off the subway which will restart only for you, make sure you do not inform other innocent tourists who are about to make the same mistake by riding the subway. Just go away. And remember to smoke a good deal of weed before you attempt this one; it will lift this experience to a whole new level.



P.S.: Been there and done all of the above. And trust me; it was the best trip of my life so far!

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